


A life without him

by Blujump



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-16
Updated: 2016-03-16
Packaged: 2019-03-07 10:05:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,216
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13432407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blujump/pseuds/Blujump
Summary: Phil's life is permanently changed when he gets a strange call from a man who says his best friend is in the hospital.





	1. Chapter One

The light was way too bright shining through my windows, as it was about ten in the morning and normal people should probably be awake by now. 

I shielded my eyes with my hand as I went to put on my glasses. I sleepily got up and shuffled to the washroom, then laughed at my reflection as I now had a quiff. 

I could hear shuffling coming from the other room, so my flat mate Dan must be up, maybe from the sun. I think the sun must be getting uncomfortably close to earth and will blind us all out of bed. 

It was good that he was up, I wouldn't have to wait long before I ate. 

After finishing up, I walked out to the lounge to see a very tired looking Dan already in his browsing position. "Cereal?" I asked as I stepped into the room. He managed a nod and a glance in my direction. 

My cereal had rotated back to Shreddies, and Dan of course would want his Oh-so-healthy Lucky Charms. Unfortunately, unlike our mugs, the bowls were un colorful and therefore unexciting. 

I gave Dan his bowl and put on an anime we could watch. After breakfast, some more browsing, and getting dressed, Dan stood up from the couch. "I've got to go get my hair cut, see you later." I waved as he walked out the door. 

Looks like it was time to.. Browse some more. My life was so exciting! At some point during the day I decided that it was a good opportunity to film myself playing a video game, especially since it wasn't spooky week. 

When I had just finished, my phone rang. Since I really didn't have many friends, it was probably my mum, or Dan. I looked at the caller ID. I didn't know this number.. Shrugging, I picked it up. "Hello?"

"Hi" a man's voice said. "Are you Philip Lester?" 

"Um, yes?" 

"I've been asked to inform you that your flat mate, Daniel Howell, is currently in the hospital."

My heart stopped. "What?! Why?!" 

"I can't really give you details at the moment, sir. Just please come down." After giving me the name and address of the hospital, he hung up and left me to have a heart attack alone. 

Grabbing my coat, I ran out the door and to the underground. In less than ten minutes, I stood outside of the hospital, breathing heavily since I'd run half the way. 

He was in the Emergency Room. Apparently he'd been mugged on the train and the man had injured him severely and they weren't sure if he was going to live. He wasn't conscious right now. 

All I could do was sit beside him and hope.

He couldn't die, we had just released a book, we were planning another tour, our channels were growing! 

But none of that really mattered right now, did it? I would give up all of that for him to be okay. 

I must have fallen asleep, because I woke up three hours later, and quickly checked on Dan. He was still in the same condition. The man had beaten him up pretty badly, he had a black eye and a busted lip, apparently a few cracked ribs. 

The real damage had been to his head. I'm not a violent person generally, but all I wanted to do right now was find that person and kill him. I don't even regret that. 

PJ, Chris, Louise and Cat showed up at some point, I'm really surprised they were all allowed in here. 

They didn't say anything when they walked in, just sat beside me. 

I really appreciated that, since I really wouldn't be able to speak right now. 

It was 3am, and Dan's condition was still critical, the doctors were not optimistic. 

I had to be. 

I found myself absently talking to him. 

"You're going to wake up you know. I don't care what the doctors say. You're not dying before me. You're going to wake up, and recover, and then we'll go home and eat cereal for breakfast, and watch animes together, and you'll probably still find me eating your cereal in the kitchen, and I'll still buy potted plants, and you'll still hide behind doors and scare me when I least expect it, and we'll make gaming videos which you are so much better at but at the last minute I'll call for sudden death, and we'll browse Tumblr in the lounge together and I'll see something stupidly hilarious and I'll have to show you so you can laugh about it with me." 

I stopped when I realized I was crying. 

Cat awkwardly put her arm around me which honestly wasn't helping very much, and now I kind of just felt awkward. 

Still crying. 

Suddenly, at 4am, the heart monitor made that horrible noise, the single long beep. 

Nurses rushed in from the other room, pushing us out of the way as they tried desperately to revive him. 

Finally, after ten minutes or so, the doctor looked up at a nurse and said in a low voice, "Time of death, 4:15 AM." 

And my whole world collapsed around me.

I was numb. 

I could feel myself crying, my friends were crying around me. 

I felt like my head was stuffed with cotton, and I had just been drugged. 

I couldn't speak. 

I could only look down at the lifeless form of my best friend. 

He was pale, like I always was. 

Still dazed, I hugged my friends as they sobbed with me. 

Suddenly, something snapped inside me and I ran to the bed and grabbed Dan's shoulders. 

"Come back!" I yelled.

"Please! Please come back!" 

He wouldn't respond, I dropped to my knees and sobbed into his chest. 

I was vaguely aware of people pulling me away, I tried to resist. I couldn't leave him. 

This wasn't happening.

 

A.N: thanks for reading this, it's my first ever fan fiction, inspired when Dan asked if we could write about him dying in the Tumblr Tag 3 video. I've got most of the second chapter done, so, let's say if this story gets to 5 votes I'll put up the next one. Please ^_^

I feel very depressed after writing the second chapter.. Might just go cry into my pillow.


	2. Chapter Two

It's been two weeks. Two very lonely weeks, since my best friend died. There were loads of friends and family around me, but that didn't change the deep pain inside me. I'm moving out of my flat as soon as possible, but I've got a contract for another month. 

I wake up every morning and naturally go and see if Dan is awake, but he isn't there anymore. I can't go into his room without crying my eyes out, and every little thing in the flat reminds me of him. 

The cereal reminds me of how I used to steal his and he'd come in and just give me that disappointed face while trying not to crack up. 

The video games remind me of how we used to play together and somehow he was always better than me but it was still really fun. Even when we wanted to murder each other. 

 

The orange chair was his favorite, that's really hard to look at, and the black chair reminds me of him as well. (Black like his soul, though I knew that wasn't really true.)

 

His sofa crease is still there, reminding me of his poor posture. 

 

I have this urge to get rid of everything that reminds me of him. His family has come and taken all of his clothes and everything from his room, but they left whatever we shared. 

 

Every little thing carries him around, but I can't deal with the tiny bits of him when I just want him.

 

I'm trying to convince myself to go out with my friends, as staying here will just make me more and more depressed, but they might accidentally quote him, or we'll go somewhere I've gone with him.. even all my friends, he was friends with too.  

The worst thing is that I haven't told any of my subscribers yet. 

I've been avoiding social media completely, because everything seems to revolve around Dan's face and I just can't do that right now. 

The ultimate question is if I'll continue making videos. 

I always try to be positive in my videos, in the hope that it will brighten someone's day. I can't be positive right now. 

 

If anything though, they deserve better than this silence. I have to say something.

 

Sighing, I pulled out my camera and set it up, then sat in front of it, going over what I would say. 

 

A fan girl's P.O.V. 

Tumblr is is an absolute and utter uproar over Phan. I swear every post is asking what happened to them. 

To be honest, I am contributing to that. It's been two weeks since they've done anything, no live shows, no tweets, no Instagram, (let's be honest they never really Tumblr'd) 

We haven't heard anything at all from them. 

Even PJ, Chris, Cat, and Louise have seriously slowed down with their stuff. 

The current theory is that Dan and Phil eloped. That's the theory we want to believe. No one wants to think that there could be another option. We'd all like to think that they ran off to get married in secret, and will upload a picture or video of the wedding in a while. 

 

I was at school at the moment, bored on the outside but an emotional wreck on the inside. 

When I finally got home the first thing I did was check YouTube. Always that.  A video from Caspar, one from Joe Sugg.. I almost fainted when I saw that there was one from Phil. 

The title of the video was "Important video" and the thumbnail was blank. I clicked on it and put in my headphones, my heart beating faster. 

The screen was black for a moment and then Phil appeared. "hey guys." It wasn't his normal happy tone.. He sounded dejected and sad. 

He had dark bags under his eyes and he was somehow paler than usual. His eyes were red and he just looked.. Tired. 

He spoke again. "Um.. I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while." He scratched the back of his head. "Something's.. Happened." 

He took a deep breath. "Two weeks ago..Dan.." He gulped. "He was on the underground.. And got mugged. A man hit him, and Dan had to go the hospital." His voice cracked. "This is harder than I thought it would be." He ran his hand over his face. "Guys... Dan.. He died that night." 

I gasped. My heart dropped, and my mind began shutting down. This wasn't happening. 

 

"Danisnotonfire is no longer with us." Phil began crying quietly. "I know I'm going to be taking a break from YouTube.. I haven't decided if I'll keep my channel or not. Thank you all for being patient.. I-I have to go." 

The video ended and I was left to stare at my screen. I was barely aware of the tears running down my face as I silently got up and closed the door of my room, lying on my bed and sobbing. 

I wasn't going to be okay. 

Phil's P.O.V. 

I still couldn't check my social media, maybe never, but at least my subscribers and his knew what had happened. I uploaded the video to his channel too. 

One thing's for sure, I was done with DanandPhilgames. There's no way I could keep that up. 

I tried to think of places to go to escape this apartment. I can't go to Japan, I can't go to Manchester, can't go to Vegas or New York, maybe some obscure county that we've never gone to.

Sighing heavily, I started packing my stuff. Even if I couldn't move out yet, I had to leave. 

Packing was really hard because of all the things I've gotten from Dan. Even my black jeans remind me of him. 

After I finished and had nothing to do, I decided to check Tumblr for the first time in weeks. Maybe seeing other people mourn would help me. 

Logging in, I scrolled through my dash, seeing a lot of crying people, messaging me and telling me how sorry they are. 

Then I saw a message from someone whose profile picture was Dan making a derp face.  

The message read Wow what a coincidence. This is the second one of Phil's best friends to die. -.- 

I stopped in surprise. I hadn't thought about that before. What if I'm just a bad luck magnet? 

I shut off my laptop and stared at the wall. Am I the reason Dan died? 

I tried to distract myself with food and Tv, but my mind just kept whispering "you're the reason he's dead." 

I pressed my palms to my head and shouted "That's not true!" But it wasn't convincing. 

The neighbors probably think I'm insane now.. I have no one else in here with me. Who cares though? It doesn't matter anymore. Nothing does. 

 

In the end I was left sat on my bed, staring at the wall, giving into my mind.


End file.
